The Carnies, The Midget-In-A-Miniskirt and Assorted Menageries

"Gawd...".

I had been sitting on the side of the rode for friggin' hours. Maybe a handful of cars came by. I started thinking that I was not going to make it out of there alive. Honestly, I didn't think so. My ass had flattened against the pavement far too long and I almost decided to give up for that day.

Not only that but I felt like a swollen mass of bleeding flesh from all the deer fly bites that had been feasting on me all day. I was stuck between Nowhere and Someplace, somewhere between the Canadian border and Great Falls, Montana. Behind me was a wall of mountains to the west and in front of me were the Northern Great Plains. I was headed for the World's Fair in Spokane Washington which may as well have been on the moon.

Then suddenly the Evil Clown appeared. I saw it coming down the highway in the form of a 1969 Ford Fairlane Squire Station Wagon. The car screeched to a halt on the Interstate and a door flew open. Then billows of smoke belched out a Midget-In-A-Miniskirt and she landed none to gracefully on the asphalt.

"You need a ride buddy?" she said dusting her miniskirt while getting upright, "If you do, I can help you with that."

I didn't care who was in the car either. She was giggling at me, which I thought was a bit odd.

My mind started drifting, if I remember correctly. Lots of cheap whiskey and too much smoke plays tricks on you when you're too tired. The Midget-In-A-Miniskirt took one step turned around, pulled up her skirt, squatted and started peeing like a cow pissing on a flat rock. It didn't seem to matter to her that she wasn't wearing underwear. She grinned while flashing me.

I looked quickly away but she noticed me staring anyway.

"Hurry up!" the Carnie yelled. "We'll never make it to Spokane if everyone has to stop and piss like this."

We weren't far from Great Falls, MT and Spokane was still far away.

"YEOW! My ass is on fire!!" She screamed.

I jerked my head around, snapping out of my daydream to see the Midget-In-A-Miniskirt with a frightful look, tears streaming down her face and her grabbing her ass.

I was horrified with what I thought I saw. Immediately I tried to get out of the station wagon. A snake was slithering off to a rock a few feet behind her.

"Don't touch it!" Were the first words from my mouth.

I was referring to her ass. Then I bent her over and looked at her bare ass. The Carnie had also jumped out of the car too. The snake it seemed had been hiding from the intense sun under the overpass where it was cool. We had stopped right where he lay and the Midget-In-A-Miniskirt not seeing the rattlesnake squatted right over it and started pissing on it. Scared, the rattlesnake's first impulse was to strike; missing her holy-of-holies by inches.

"She's snake bit." I told the Carnie. "How far are we from Great Falls?"

"Not far..." he said "But too far for her."

Her small size and the place she was bitten made it difficult to determine the effect of the venom. He then pulled out his folding Buck knife and opened the blade. Then he made two slices across the two puncture wounds where the snake injected it's venom. Blood poured out and dripped down her small ass like rivulets spilling on the ground.

He then bent over and started sucking on the wound and spitting blood and venom on the ground next to her. She was shaking and crying. I stood there in shock not wanting to believe this had just happened. He sucked on the wound on her ass for what seemed like minutes. His mouth and mustache were covered with blood.

"Hurry" he told her. "Get in the car. Let's get your ass to a hospital in Great Falls."

She got on the seat next to me facing the back of the seat with her ass stuck in the air, blood dripping down her thigh. Droplets of blood were hitting the car seat and the Carnie sped off the shoulder and onto the highway.

Everyone else in the car was trying to comfort her and sooth her sobs. The whole scene was exciting and terrifying at the same time.

"You'll be OK baby." he told her.

He was trying to soothe and calm her down.

"Stay calm sweetheart, you'll be OK. We''ll get you to the hospital real quick now."

I wasn't so sure. Watching her shake and at the same time trying not to touch her bite I would have thought if she had been anyone else of normal size this would be different. But who would know what would happen to a snake bit midget? Had this been anything other than what it was, it would have been a most interesting situation with her ass stuck up in the air like that. But because of her size this could end in a tragedy. Me and everyone was concerned. It was hard to listen to her sobs and whimpering.

"It burns like hell." she sobbed.

None of us could think of a way to soothe or comfort her. Miles from an emergency room and poor made the situation seem uncertain.

With what seemed like hours (it could not have been more than 30 minutes) we entered Great Falls and started looking for a hospital. The Carnie noticed a sign that said "Hospital" and started following them. The bleeding had stopped and dried blood was caking up on the seat beneath her. She was crying now, telling Carnie to hurry.

The Carnie was speeding through the city trying to attract attention of the local police. Of all the times he wanted to avoid the police this was not one of them. It was as if we were invisible. None of us attracted any attention. She was twitching and vomiting. I was getting scared and the Carnie was visibly shaken.

We got her to the emergency room and the story should have ended there. We felt lucky that the hospital was not far from the highway.

But it didn't...it never does. But I often wondered...


I wondered why this happened to the snake bit Midget-In-A-Miniskirt. Often times fate indeed comes up and bites you on the ass. In her case, fate was a rattlesnake that bit her on the ass.

All this struck me as odd but I was the odd man out. I was largely ignored. I was a friendly microbe swimming around in a sea of white blood cells.

"Let's find a flophouse." one of them said. "We can all cram into one room."

"I think I'll just go back to the highway." I told Carney. "I don't have enough money, even to stay in a flophouse downtown."

"Don't worry 'bout that." Carney said. "We'll take care of it."

I couldn't (at that moment) see myself spending the night with a carney and midgets. I wanted to keep moving on to Spokane even at night. At the very least, I could sleep under the overpass that stretched over the Interstate highway.

"Stay with us." one of the midgets said. "We'll get a nice room. We like you. Come on...it beats sleeping outside."

I would have taken anyone else up on that offer. But I capitulated... "OK, it's a deal." I told them.

The Midget-In-A-Miniskirt had to spend the night for observation. "Hey," the Carney said. "This will work out great then. I can spend the night watching over Midget-In-A-Miniskirt and you can drive everyone downtown and get a place to stay. ...It's a done deal."

I realized at this point I had no choice. No matter how much I objected they would have none of it. Since I was the only one with legs long enough to drive I was elected to take everyone downtown. They knew where to go.

"Turn here." "Go there" "Take a right at the corner." Did they know where they were going?

We ended up in a part of town that I was worried about...seriously worried.

I get out of the station wagon not having any idea where I was at in the general scheme of things. I knew it wouldn't soon because as soon as we entered the lobby...

"Hey baby, wanna date?" a prostitute said.

"Not unless it's free." I told her half seriously. Of course it wasn't and she totally ignored my response. This was bizarre in the extreme.

The Gate of the Mountains Hotel must have been at one time a glorious place. But all I could see was a seedy shell of what had once been. I turned around to one of the midgets. "I will sleep out in the station wagon tonight." I said.

"Suit yourself." the midget told me. I was stupid and should have listened to him; he knew what horrors could happen.

I did and turned around and nodded with a smile at the whore standing by the door. It was a dumb mistake to leave that sanctuary.

Puking on the Window
The problem with traveling like this is that you never know where you'll end up and what direction it will take you. That night was such a night. I was beat and still itching from insect bites and just feeling filthy. I had just turned down my chance for a decent shower.

While unpacking my sleeping bag I noticed all the pedestrian traffic covering the sidewalk. I was not comforted by this.

I started mumbling to myself and beginning to wonder why I had decided to sleep on the main street in a Ford Fairlane Station Wagon. Bums were stumbling up and down the street in a carnival-like parade of freaks.

One such 'freak' banged into the car and fell to the sidewalk. I ignored him. He grabbed the car and wrenched himself upright enough so that he could wretch and cover the back window where I was at, with vomit and gawd knows what.

I decided that night that nightmares would be a pleasant release to what otherwise was an interesting day.

Meanwhile, I was sure there was a midget orgy going behind the walls of infamy.

The next morning I am startled awake with banging on the glass at the rear of the station wagon.

"Wake up you lazy bum" I heard. "We're headed for the Snake River Canyon and you're coming along."

After the previous night it sounded like a good idea. This situation was not going well. It was reaching out of my control.


_{"I'm a Space Cowboy...
Bet you weren't ready for that
I'm a Space Cowboy
I'm sure you know where it's at..." -- Steve Miller}

"Ewww! who puked on the car?" the midget asked. "Did you do that? That's some nasty stuff there." I still hadn't gotten used to the ephereal, helium-sounding voices.

Then he asked me for a cigarette. I couldn't resist the temptation...

"Those things will stunt your growth." I told him.

"I could slit your throat if I wanted to." he said not grinning. I didn't doubt it. I had no creds yet and never would.

The look I got from him after he lit up told me to never say THAT again. What I said was stupid but I didn't care.

"Smart ass!" he muttered. "Hey let's get moving buddy, we have quite a drive ahead of us. We need to hurry and pick up Midget-In-A-Miniskirt and Carney so that we can make to the Snake River Canyon in time to see the jump."


Reebus Kneebus
Knievel was some kind of hero to them. He was another freak in the land of freaks, except he made tons of money. The carnies respected that. I supposed they also respected the balls had to do such a dumb thing. It's all about the money I suppose.

Evel Knievel was a one man carnival on a Harley-Davidson Sportster. He was America's daredevil hero at a time when being red, white and blue was unpopular and safe sex meant not getting caught banging someone's wife or girlfriend and ...not messing around with a carnival midget.

More than anything else people watched him to see if he would crash his bike while jumping school buses at Cesar's Palace. It was then that the resulting crash would turn him into a jumble of crushed and broken bones. He had flipped head over asshole flopping around like a tossed monkey. The carnies understood this bit of showmanship. Why else do people go to carnivals and circuses?

It was earlier that summer that I was sitting in a greasy spoon in Butte, Montana his home town on the Fourth of July. He was to be the Grand Marshall of the Fourth of July parade. That was all anyone was talking about.

In a few months Evel Kneivel would jump the Snake River Canyon not on a Harley Sportster but on a steam powered rocket. I kept staring at the scrambled eggs covered with cheap ketchup and a side of hash browns. I grabbed the front page of the Butte, Montana newspaper and saw a drawing of the steam powered rocket.

It was one hell of a strap-on. The guy is fucking nuts. They won't let him do it or he'll back out at the last moment.

Into the Chasm of Oblivion
Within minutes we were piled into the station wagon and we were off to the hospital. I had a sinking feeling that I really was going to Snake River Canyon with this carnival crew.

We arrived at the hospital and the pair greeted us at the entrance. She eased into the seat next to me like before, took off her miniskirt and started showing everyone the ugly snake bit sore on her ass. She was lucky; very lucky.

She fell asleep and slept most of the trip in her underwear and swollen junk-in-the-trunk butt. The others would tickle her on the bottoms of her feet and her ribs. She wouldn't budge. She only flopped around when Carney would take a corner too fast or barely passed an eighteen-wheeler. A couple of she flopped into my lap.

"They musta gave her some kinda powerful shit..." Carney said. "to knock her out like that." She had a whole bottle of it too. What a pint of whiskey and a couple of those would do.

The poor thing had blisters and the part of her ass where the timber rattler bit her was black as a burnt match head. It looked like someone beat the hell out of her butt. It was horrifying.

Carney reached down somewhere and revealed a bottle of pills. I didn't want to know where he kept them.

"Here man," he said, "Take ONE OF THESE."

Everyone ew'ed and aw'ed as I remember (in between shots of whiskey at 7:00 in the morning). I took one of the little white pills and swallowed it with a swig of cheap whiskey.

"What is it?" I asked.

"Acid!" he said. I had assumed they were whites to chill out all the whiskey we were drinking.

In a way I was now horrified but at the same time amused at my own idiocy and three ring circus full of Evil Clowns. I had to go with this. I couldn't regurgitate it on an empty stomach and at any rate, better than anything else, watching Evel Kneivel blast himself off a cliff across a river canyon had to be one of the all time hoots of the century.

By the time we got to the viewing area I was in full roar with pulsating veins. The Midget-In-Miniskirt had awakened and was groggy. Everyone else was in a party mood and drunk (except for Carney). The sea of distorted, dripping faces I was looking at, made me feel like I was at the running of the bulls in Spain amongst aliens.

There were thousands of people and most of them were pissed off. Beer and concessions were expensive and there fences to keep people from the edge of the canyon. There was anger in the air half of the people were drunk and the other half were stoned...many were both. We found out we were a day early and I couldn't imagine at that moment how I would survive the rest of the day and that night in the condition I was currently in.

I started freaking out in a serious way.

_{"Cry 'Havoc,' and let slip the dogs of war." - William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"}

"?KO gniod uoy era" he asked "?Retaw fo knird a deen uoy od".

"Yeah," I told him, "I'm doing fine. I could sure use a beer though. Say...am I talking backwards?"

He looked at me puzzled. "Man, are you ever messed up." The midget towered over me like the Jolly Green giant. When he walked off the ground shook.

Geezus everyone is talking backwards now AND I am understanding them! What serious fuckin' switch went off in my head to cause THAT to happen? Can I fix it? Is this reversible? Will I be like this for the rest of my life? Am I talking backwards or forwards? ......

"I don't believe this Carney called Knievel." I said to a passer-by, "He's a dare devil, showman and most of all, he's a carney sonofabitch."


I forgot I was in Idaho and this show wasn't a rock festival either.

"I oughta kick your dumb, stupid ass." the drunk said. It was obvious he had been vomiting and looking for a fight; both at the same time. He stumbled on.

I had stretched out underneath a giant Ponderosa pine doing nothing, thinking about everything and freaking in my own private bubble. The distance brought me waves of loud voices. The steam rocket was visible but faint. I was not sure if I was imagining all this.

I wasn't sure of anything.

"It's getting ugly out there." I remembered one of the midgets telling me and motioning off in the distance.

All the noise in the distance sounded like a herd of cattle tearing up a corral.

"They're tearin' up the concessions," the midget said, "and stealing beer and food."

The midget pointed to the crowds hanging around the concession stands. If anyone knew about this sort of thing, he would. But the crowds were too large and ugly. Chaos began to rule the night.

"They're gonna lose control." he said. "I've seen this happen before a bunch of times."

I was sure that he had and was glad I was no longer seeing dripping faces and talking backwards from self-induced drug taking. Then all hell burst loose. Waves of people started coming towards us in a mad rush; in hysterics.

"Uh...we need to get the fuck outta here!" the midget said. I trusted his impeccable judgment and observation.

I grabbed the midget and got around on the downside of the herds of people behind the huge ponderosa pine. We let the horde sweep past us. In a few hours all was quiet.

That next day was jump day. I wanted out of there, fuck the jump and this carnival of clowns and idiots.

"Here comes Knievel," the midget said. "Look up over there."

A chopper was flying in off in the distance and was landing quite a ways from us. It disappeared beneath the throngs of people. People started rushing towards the staging area. Moments later The King of Karnival Karneys Knievel lifted into the steam powered rocket. Within minutes he popped off the launch like a monsterous bottle rocket. Cheers went up but then...

"What the hell happened?" the midget asked. I hoisted him onto my shoulders.

There it was and for a moment it was suspended in mid-air, a parchute deployed halfway across the canyon then it nosed down. The rocket was headed for the Snake River. People started booing and rushing the fences to tear them down and get a look at what could be Knievel's last crash.

"That fucker!" the Carney said. He ran past us on his way to the edge of the chasm. He was either stumbling drunk or too high.

"You can't let him do that." I told the midget. "He'll see that Knievel screwed us all with this scam and wanna jump in it. How much did you pay for the tickets anyway?"

"I have to go save him" the midget said. "and see if we can get our money back too." He took off to the edge of the canyon like everyone else.

"Does anyone get their money back at a carnival?" I yelled at him. But I already knew the answer to that question.

I didn't look around for anyone that I knew. I picked up my backpack and headed down the road. I wanted the hell out of there and I didn't look back either. I still had miles to go before I reached Spokane.

I'll never know why the carney jumped off that cliff.

Youtube of the Snake River jump.